I am strong.
I’ve gone through hell and kept walking. I know my weaknesses.

I am worthy.
It took me a long time to believe that. I’ve felt my unworthiness.

I am beautiful.
And no one needs to convince me of that anymore. I’ve seen my ugliness.

I am imperfect.
I know perfection isn’t what it cracked up to be. I’ve got scars & I rock them

I am me.
I thought I was lost and alone but I realized I was always with me.

so if any of you follloow my personal blog you know the things that i’ve been through, what’s hit me hardest, and how i got through it. there’s a huge difference between getting over things, and getting through them. it usually goes like this; i feel like shit about everything, a few things start to pan out, things get better for a little bit, i feel content with my life, and something happens to ruin it. all the progress i made can disappear so quickly. one moment can change EVERYTHING. and some of you are probably thinking that that happens to everyone, everyone has ups and downs, life is a rollercoaster, etc. sure….. every couple months you have a problem with something. i have problems with something every other weekkkk, it never stops. my life is a constant fucking struggle. if you know me personally or read my blogs you know that i’ve been fighting depression, bipolar disorder, suicide thoughts/plans/attempts, eating disorders, etc. all the shit that went down with my ex, not wanting to hangout with anyone, iscolating myself, not going to school.

well yeah so i was doing REALLY good with that stuff for a long time, i was finally HAPPY with my life. i was working alot , making money, going to schoool, taking new meds to control my moods, monitoring my moods everyday, less suicidal thoughts, eating more, alot actually, hanging out with my girls alot more. and completely over and moved on from my ex, met a new guy and was preeetty sure i was falling in love again, but nothing lasts forever right.

nothing.

i don’t know why this happens to me all the time cause believe me i’m trying. i try really hard. i hate school, but i go. i’m taking my meds but my moods are fucked up, suicidal thoughts everyday, not eating again, CAN’T eat. fat. fAT. FAT.  no motivation for anything. insecure, because he makes me feel like that.

not good enough.

NEVER good enough.

thought he was different but things aren’t always what they seem.

over it.

i don’t want to talk to anyone. i don’t want to listen, i don’t want to hangout.
i don’t want to love anything. i always get burned.
i’m sick of hurting. i’m sick of this roller coaster. i need a new life.

i want to get better. i was better. i am better.
but i can be even better. i’m gonna make it happen.
but people drag me down. why? especially the ones that “care”….

please. don’t waste your time, and more importantly mine.
too valuable. i have plans.

i don’t need more bullshit in my life

if you are going to love me, love me deeply. if your going to break my heart, break it all. if you’re going to care, care completely. if you won’t catch me, just let me fall. if you want to leave, do it today. if you are going to change, change for the better. and if you are going to talk, mean what you say

people make me shake my headdd…
that’s why i’d rather not deal with them.

i’m going to keep trying but i seem to ask my self all the time

what’s the point…

everyday is a CONSTANT STRUGGLE.

but

without struggle there is no progress.

i didn’t really have time to blog all the time..i work sooo much.

i’ve deleted ALOT of my past posts cause i don’t want to read them anymore
new ones to come though

this blog is back opennnn :)

not in order. i’ll get around to putting it in order soon.

more to come..

• Go to NYC

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• See the Northern Lights in person.

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• Shop at DASH in NYC/MIAMI/CALABASIS

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• Learn to surf/surf in the ocean

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• Swim in the ocean [get over fear]

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• Scuba dive

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• Stay at Atlantis Resort in Bahamas

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• Go cliff jumping

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• Go whale watching

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• Go to Alaska

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• Learn to play piano

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• Swim with dolphins

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• Sleep in an aquarium tunnel

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• Stay in a ocean hut

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• Have a pet pig

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• Go down the shark tank slide at Atlantis

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• Ride a crotch rocket by myself

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• Go in a ball on water

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• Go to Africa

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• Walk up the Eiffel Tower stairs

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• CN Tower Skywalk
• Walk up the CN Tower stairs